I Understand

 

I feel butterflies in my stomach and my heart starts to race, for I know my name will be called soon. My last name is towards the beginning of the alphabet. Here it comes… Please don’t let my voice crack, I don’t want people to pay attention to me, but at the same time I do. “Here,” no voice crack, nobody looked, I’m both relieved and disappointed. 

A feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically ad19eca0a84fd092e7db249a3df84410bbout an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. That sentence is the definition of anxiety, but what that definition doesn’t tell you is that it is so much more than that. Anxiety can interrupt a person’s life daily. Some people get the feeling of butterflies in your stomach, or it can be vomiting, insomnia, or an abnormal heartbeat. There are many other symptoms that people with anxiety may feel. Anxiety is twice as common in women than it is in men and it can start to develop as soon as the age of 7. About 40 million people in the USA have anxiety, so about 18% of Americans have anxiety. Anxiety is a very common disorder.

I hate my anxiety. I can’t even have a boyfriend. The last time I had a boyfriend I was throwing up every morning because of my I don’t know how to act or what to do around him. Doesn’t matter anyways, that didn’t last long. When ever I have to present something in class my stomach starts to turn and I get the feeling like I’m going to puke, but I know I won’t. The worst thing isn’t the throwing up, it’s the feeling like throwing up. If I throw up, I immediately feel better. I can feel like I’m going to throw up for hours. Anxiety also makes me not eat. It’s not that I don’t want to, It’s that I can’t. My parents don’t understand that. They think I’m not eating because I think I’m too fat, which I do think is true, but that’s not why I don’t eat. I don’t eat because my body physically won’t allow me to. I can chew it but I can’t swallow it. My throat doesn’t let me. My stomach hurts most of the day because I usually can’t eat until I get home from school. By then I’m starving and I eat so much, but then I regret it because I know that’s not helping with my image of myself. I chew the insides of my cheeks, I guess that’s because of anxiety. I also play with my ring a lot and pick at the skin around my finger nails and my lips.  Anxiety is confusing. I want to be hidden in the crowd, but then again I also want to be center stage. Of course I can’t be center stage because there’s no way my anxiety wouldn’t let me no matter how hard I try. It also isn’t something that you can just get rid of, trust me I’ve tried, but you have to learn to live with it. Also, anxiety isn’t something you can point out in a crowd. It’s something I work very hard to hide because I just want to feel…..normal.

What anxiety feels like……. Or at least a glimpse.

Some people might think I’m just looking for attention but that’s not what I’m trying to accomplish here. I’m telling my story not only because it’s for a grade, but because some people don’t understand how difficult this is sometimes. They think I’m just trying to get out of presenting by saying I have anxiety. This isn’t something I like to tell people, this is something I try to bury, to get rid of. This is for the people struggling with anxiety, and who thinks nobody understands what you are going through.This is me saying I understand what you are going through, and that you’re not alone. If anyone needs someone to talk to feel free to leave comments below.

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