I have too much kindness in my heart,
I lifted you up while I was falling apart,
I almost dropped you because of my lacking strength.
Excuse me for that, but the blade you left between my shoulder blades
Made it hard to carry your weight on my back.
Your words were like boulders,
You spoke in destruction,
But I pressed on, still holding, and caring for you.
Then you reached the top,
But I was too weak from getting you there to stick around.
You look down at me with a captivating frown.
Trapping me with your barbed wire teeth.
Now you’re where you need to be,
And you no longer care about me,
Or how broken and weakened I am because of you.
But you never did care. Did you?
The idea behind this poem, is to express the pain beginning abandoned by the people I cared so much about, but the only reason they were in my life was to be social climbers. Based on personal experiences, I can say that some people throughout life will leave, and some will stay, and you want to keep the ones who stay. Pretty much throughout my life I felt at a very young age as if I wasn’t liked, and by most I can honestly say I think I wasn’t. It wasn’t that support wasn’t there, it’s just that the support provided was from a source that always seemed to have better things to do with their time. It was that feeling you get when you have someone to talk to, and they hear you, but they aren’t listening, and though that isn’t the case now at the time it made it very hard for me to open up about my feelings. I didn’t like myself at all because the feeling of never being good enough was hanging over my shoulder, and it felt like everyone around me was just adding weight. I never wanted to tell my parents, especially my dad. He always pressured me into stuff. My parents are divorced and it was always a war zone between the two, and with those feeling piled on my shoulders things only got worse.
I used to think it was my fault they were separated, even though it wasn’t, and there always had to be a choice, I couldn’t love them both, I had to love one more. To put it into simple terms, I was just sad, not depressed, but I felt like I was digging my own grave. Everything I did was wrong. Let’s be clear, I love both my parents, and I always will, but my dad mostly has made me feel worthless at times. The littlest mistakes are made big, and there are no second chances. Things as simple as putting dishes away is harder than it needs to be. Expressing my opinion isn’t an option, and I have no way of communicating how I feel about it. I can’t talk to someone who is always right, even when they are wrong.
This also relates to my friends. I’m not popular, not that I care, but it was always made a big deal and still is. I’ve been used, and I’ve had people leave after they got what they needed with no explanation as to why. Not even a goodbye. This has lead me to develop trust issues and anxiety. I can cope with it by making a list of things I like about myself. I try more to talk about it now, I’ve talked to my dad about how he has made me feel at times, and he has been trying to grow with it and learn to change. As far as talking to other people, I’ve learned to become more sarcastic with it, I can let comments go, and joke about stuff more easily. It’s definitely getting better than it was, and it just goes to prove that anyone can get through hard situations if they just take time to control and fix the problem at hand.
If you ever feel like, or you know someone who might feel like they have no voice against authority, a good three steps to take are to breathe, think and talk, and remember that things can get better, and you are your own person. Nobody else can define you. If you do go through verbal or physical abuse, my call to action would be to try and get help. Even if it seems like people won’t listen, you just have to find the right one. You can talk to a close friend, family member, or teacher or counselor you trust. And remember, anxiety and depression are common, and don’t feel like there is no help. The best way to get through tough times is to remember that the only way to go from the bottom is up.
Facts and statistics:
According to many trustworthy sources, the amount of people experiencing anxiety and depression has only increased over the years by 34%, and is now very common. If you are dealing with, or know anyone dealing with mental and emotional stresses, I encourage you to find help, find someone to listen, and stay positive, because it can always get better.