Suicide is the third-leading cause of death for young people ages 15 to 24. Approximately 20 percent of teens experience depression before they reach adulthood, and between 10 to 15 percent suffer from symptoms at any one time.
It was the start of summer, the summer before I entered high school. I had just moved, and I was excited. I couldn’t wait to go swimming, get a tan, and go shopping. But little did I know that this summer would be the summer my life tumbled.
I had been at my best friend’s house, just hanging out. But I started to feel…sad. And angry. I couldn’t understand why. I just thought I was having a bad day. So I finally had went home. But I still felt sad.
Over the weeks, this sadness got worse and worse. Why was I so sad? I didn’t have anyone to talk to, and I started to say weird things. I had no one. I never went outside after that. I sat in the living room listening to my favorite band. But this band had something more to it. It was like we were battling the same battle.
The first day of high school neared. I didn’t know anyone, I was scared, and I was nervous. I wanted to make this year a good, productive year.
A few weeks later, I had met some people. They liked the same band as I did and they were funny. I actually had friends!
After a month, I could see that they were getting annoyed by me. I couldn’t understand why. Am I annoying? Is something wrong with me? And I was nice to them! I was like their own personal counselor!
And the friends that did care used me. They were fake. This was proof that no one cared about me, that my feelings didn’t matter. If I tried to talk to them, they would ignore me. To them, I was just a piece of chewed gum stuck to the bottom of their shoe that they can’t get off. I had helped them during their time of need, but they didn’t return the favor.
I felt alone.
I felt sad again, I thought no one cared about me. My life doesn’t matter. I’d never be good enough. I’m poor, ugly, stupid, and annoying. My grades dramatically went down. I didn’t care anymore.
I wanted to die.
I started to abuse medicine, and on a Friday, I look 5 painkillers. Nothing happened. Then Monday came. I took 10. For weeks this went on. Everything started to pile up.
Then I poisoned myself.
Was I losing my mind?
It was 9:20pm on November 3rd. My dad and sister went to bed, so I was alone and awake, just watching TV. I saw that my Adderall was on the kitchen counter. I got up, grabbed the bottle, and took 3. I don’t know why I did such a thing. But I felt fine.
That night, I didn’t sleep. I started to hallucinate. And let me tell you, that is one of the scariest things you can deal with. I felt like I was on an episode of Paranormal Witness.
I finally woke up. I was so spooked. It was my dad’s birthday. I was sweating and shaking, and I was paranoid. I decided I wouldn’t do anything else.
Then November 14th came.
I broke my promise.
I took 2 pills.
I was all giggly and happy that day, but when I got home, I felt sick.
On November 15th, I was getting ready for school. But I felt horrible, and felt like I could cry and minute. I was going insane.
My sister was casually talking to me that morning, and as I listened, I burst out in tears. My sister started to freak out, and she called my dad. My dad was really worried and told me to stay home that day. But they didn’t know I was abusing my medication. They thought I had a fever. That day, I went to the doctors. And they took my weight. 102 lbs. I weighed 125 only a few months ago.
What happened to me?!?!
During this time, I was going through drama at school, I was failing my classes, I was stressed, and I was a mess. I was taking Health. And during Health, we were learning about depression.
What a coincidence.
Not only that, but in English we were learning about suicide.
I thought it was God trying to reach out to me, trying to save me, because during this time, I started to doubt God. I started to become an atheist. In church, I felt so unhappy. My mind was corrupt.
About a week later, I got my midterm.
F in ICP.
I felt like such a disappointment to my dad. I knew I could get better grades, so why were they so bad?
That day, I took 10 pills and I showed my dad my grades. I was having a bad reaction to the pills, and my dad could see I was acting different.
I told him about the pills.
He got super angry (and I mean, who wouldn’t be?) and took my medication away.
That was the worst day ever.
On Thanksgiving break, my dad and his girlfriend Tiffany talked to me about it. I finally realized that, “OMG, wow, people actually care about me!”
So, I wasn’t annoying my friends?
I just thought all of this because I had such a bad image of myself, I felt worthless.
But now, I realize that I’m not the only person going through this, and that people care about me and that I do matter. Going through what I went through was normal, and that I wasn’t going insane. Now, I’m suffering for what I’ve done to myself, I’m in so much pain. My muscles hurt and I constantly feel dizzy. Depression has destroyed me.
I want people to know that they’re not alone, that I promise it will get better, and that it’s going to be hard, but you just have to keep your faith, and to not lose hope. Don’t hurt yourself, don’t do what I’ve done, don’t punish yourself for something you can’t control. If you or anyone you know is or may be suffering from depression, tell someone! And try to reach out and make some friends. Remember that you’re not going bonkers; you just feel alone. Remember that “losing your mind” is part of this process. So please, don’t do what I’ve done. Reach out to someone you trust, even if you think they don’t care.
Think you have depression? Take this test. Then tell someone.
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