Under Heaven

Depression is feeling like you’ve lost something but having no clue when or where you last had it. Then one day you realize what you lost is yourself. If you are reading this, you’re most likely one of the 350 million people in the world who have depression. You’re not alone…obviously, there’s 349,999,999 other people who have it.

My experience with depression started in middle school. I don’t exactly remember how it happened, it just did. Soon enough, I found myself starving myself, excessively working out, and crying while doing my homework. I also went to bed at 8:00pm just so I wouldn’t have to be around people, and I didn’t fall asleep until 11:00pm, because all I would think about was how much I hated my life. Before middle school, I didn’t care about my weight. I would just eat until my stomach hurt. Then in middle school I felt so self conscious that I ended up losing thirty pounds in two years. I would eat as little as I could on weekdays. Then on the weekends I would binge eat.

One of my favorite singers, Demi Lovato went through the same thing. Demi Lovato was bullied in school which caused her to self harm and have bulimia. Then in 2011 she attended rehab and now is the happiest and most confident (see what I did there) she has ever been. When I was in middle school, Demi Lovato’s album Demi helped me a lot. I would listen to it wherever I went.

I’ve gotten better, but I still feel that way sometimes. Last night I had a fight with my brother, which ended up with me crying for an hour in the dark. I wasn’t crying just because I fought with him, but because of how lonely I felt in my own home. I’m not very close with my family. My brother never talks to me because he’s always out with friends, and even when we do talk, he’s on his phone texting his friends. My sister is ten years older than me and I feel like she isn’t even my sister. By the time I could start talking, my sister went to middle school, played tennis, had band concerts, and hung out with friends. When she finally came home she did her homework and went to bed. She didn’t have time for me. By time  I was seven, my sister moved out. Now I only see her three times a month, and when she does come over, it’s awkward. It feels weird talking to my sister. It’s forced. I know she doesn’t want to come over. The only reason she does, is because my parents ask her to. My dad turns everything I say into a lecture. I can’t actually talk about how I feel because all he does is yell. My mom doesn’t speak English, and I’m not fluent in her language. Half the time she doesn’t know what I’m saying. She just stares and nods.

Some days I think about these things and I’m upset. Some days I think about these things and my mood doesn’t change. But there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about how I wish my life was different. I get better, then I get worse. I feel numb, but after awhile I burst.

In addition to Demi Lovato’s album I metioned earlier, another thing that made me feel better was YouTube. Some of my favorite YouTubers are the Janoskians, Tana Mongeau, Shane Dawson, etc. Watching their videos made me laugh and forget about what’s going on in my life.

Over the summer I read Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. Thirteen Reasons Why is about a girl who committed suicide and leaves cassette tapes for the people who impacted her ending her life. Thirteen Reasons Why is one of my favorite books because it gives you insight on how other people can feel and how something so small can make such a big impact in someone’s life. Hannah, the main character ended her life because a bunch of rumors were spread about her. Everyone believed those rumors, including her “friends,” which made her feel isolated. Before I read the book, I didn’t realize how judgemental I was. You never know if those rumors are true, and by believing them, you could hurt someone’s feelings. I realized that the people who smile and laugh the most are the ones who are suffering the most. Because laughter isn’t only the best medicine, it’s also the best disguise.

Another book I enjoyed was Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. Speak is about a high school freshmen named Melinda Sordino. Before Melinda attended high school she went to an end-of-summer party which changed her life. She ends up getting raped and calls the police, not knowing what to do. Since she busted the party, the whole school is against her which causes her to stop speaking. Throughout the novel Melinda learns to speak up for herself. After telling her story, Melinda feels better about the situation, because the truth finally set her free. Speak is a book about finding one’s voice, which really relates to everyone, especially high school students.

Little things like listening to music, watching YouTube videos, and reading really helped me with depression.

Music really helped me. I would listen to music everywhere I went. Here is a list of some of the songs I listened to. All of these songs are soft and mellow which helped me calm down and just listen to what they’re saying.

Shouldn’t Come Back- Demi Lovato

In Case- Demi Lovato

I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me- Demi Lovato

Half a Heart- One Direction

Run Away- Megan and Liz

When She Cries- Britt Nicole

His Daughter- Molly Kate Kestner

Breathe Me- Sia

Read All About It- Emeli Sande

Another Empty Bottle- Katy McAllister

Image result for depression quotes

Sources: Demi Lovato Opens Up About The Mental Illness She Didn’t Know She Had

Thirteen Reasons Why

Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

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