Inside My Thoughts

Hi, I’m Bella, and this is my conscience.  

I’m 15 years old and I have depression,  does anyone know? No, and to all my friends I’m the happiest person alive.  I hide feelings so often.  I’m the girl you see in movies that runs to the bathroom, cry her eyes out, cleans up, and walks out like nothing ever happened.  Why is it so hard you ask? Why can’t it just be a one time fix? It’s not.  The reason you don’t see i’m depressed is because the pain is deep, deep inside me where no one wants to go, even I don’t want to go there.

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It all started around sixth grade, the first year of middle school.  After that it just went downhill.  I never had that many friends, I didn’t do much at school except for play one sport, and trust me when I say this, no one understood the sport. It was boring and too complicated.  So did I have anything to talk about to people? No.  I was alone, I had one or two friends that honestly didn’t know even half my story.  

I can remember when I was really little and I didn’t care what people thought of me.  I would do whatever I wanted, wear whatever I wanted, I could be myself.  TheFree stock photo of black-and-white, woman, girl, sittingn life happened.  Play this, wear this, eat this, do this.  All I wanted was to be like everyone else, I wanted to fit in.  I told myself, just wear this and act like this, you will have everything you want: to fit in.  so I listened to the voice in my head and did as I told myself.  I wore makeup.  My hair was always straightened. I always dressed nice.  It didn’t help.  I ended up giving up.  I told myself to stop trying, they would never let a fat, ugly, boring girl join them. I would never fit in.  I gave up not only on trying to fit in but in life as well, and after that, I just spiraled downhill

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Seventh grade came after what seemed an eternity.  Not only did the depression get worse but other things happened.  I started to think I wasn’t worthy of anything.   The only thing I focused on was golf and grades. My parents never noticed, they don’t notice much anyways.  I restricted eating.  I had a food journal where I listed everything I ate, how much I worked out, how many calories I should eat, and how to eat less.  I would go days without eating.  I became weak.  The only time I ate an actual meal was in my sport because I knew I was burning what I just ate.  “Why don’t you eat anything at lunch?” my friends would ask.  I’d just put on my fake smile and say I ate a big breakfast. I never ate breakfast.  It got worse and worse until I lost 20 pounds, my parents thought it was because I was running.  I wasn’t only running physically, but mentally as well. I was running from myself, from who I used to be.  I was running from that 10 year old girl I no longer recognized, from my past.  


Eighth grade year came. It stayed the same as seventh grade year, until someone found out, that person has come to bepexels-photo-54379.jpeg (4608×3072) my best friend. She helped me pass through all of this. She made me happy! She showed me what I was missing in life; she showed me that I was worthy enough to live. I don’t think I could ever thank her enough.  I started to go out more.  I realized everything I was missing.  My life was going by so fast and I had been taught at home to grow up and get over things.  I was missing what could be some of the best years of my life.  I found some things that helped me get through things, friends,
poems, songs, pictures ,even facts I could relate to and helped me realize I wasn’t alone. I didn’t realize it then, but now I look back and realize how much those things helped me.

Free stock photo of black-and-white, fashion, art, darkMy name is Bella, and this is my conscience. I am sharing my story with you to prove it gets better. Currently, as a freshman, I’ve never been happier. I have friends, I do things on the weekends. Is it still hard at times? Yes. It’s going to be. But I can get through it. I still think at times that I don’t deserve to be here and I should end it, but I’ve learned to start to look at the positives, because whatever storm you’re going through,  it will pass. The storm may seem like it will never end and you just want to give up, but if you hold on a little longer, you can see what’s on the other side of the storm: a rainbow. You realize that you can handle a lot more than you think. So just have faith in yourself, you may think you can’t, but you can. So just hold it out and you can see you can get through it.

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I wrote on this topic because it is very close to me.  I have had friends go through depression and I have learned what it is like for them.  People don’t realize how to help someone that is depressed.  Many people have different ways that someone can help,but the main thing is that if someone is depressed, they feel alone, like they aren’t good enough.  When they try to do something even though it might be perfect, they still feel like it isn’t good enough.  I love to write about someones story and what they had to go through. This story is a combination of many things I have seen people go through.  Depression mainly hits people my age, people stressed out because of school, growing up, picking the right path in life.  Depression isn’t uncommon, many people of all ages have it.  People are always there to help you in your time of need.  Please share your story of battling depression, eating disorders, etc.

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